This quiz was stressful. Like, there were so many times when I knew I was being cued up for a trick question, but I still fell for it.

A sex worker friend told me that he had some homophobic (male) clients who didn’t seem to be gay, but frequented male sex workers. This confused me, but he explained that it seems to be part of a convoluted humiliation kink thing, rather than attraction.

For example, I know a subby guy whose domme makes him kiss her feet. She does this because he finds feet gross, and thus ordering him thus is a humiliating and submissive act that he ultimately finds hot. This association has become strong enough that even outside of the specific context of scenes with his domme, he finds the prospect of footplay arousing, whilst simultaneously still being grossed out by feet. He finds the paradoxical vibes of this hilarious, and indeed, reports that it’s one of the things he finds fulfilling about kink play.

In the case of homophobic straight men who have gay sex, it’s far more psychosexually complex. However, one plausible angle of it is that some men may actually just want to be pegged, but conservative attitudes may mean that being fucked by a woman with a strap-on is perceived as more taboo and transgressive than being fucked by another man.

Another bizarre example my friend relayed to me was an instance of a man who engaged in gay sex as a form of self-harm that was felt to be deserved due to being insufficiently masculine. In this scenario, the homophobic client was topping. The guy apparently seemed to believe in a sort of “conservation of masculinity” in penetrative sex. For example, let’s say that any act of penetrative sex (anal or vaginal, it matters not) contains a total of 10 arbitrary units of masculinity. In this guy’s ideal of How Sex Should Be, the penetrative partner would contain all 10 units of masculinity, and his partner, with 0 units of masculinity, would be the mostly womanly woman to ever woman. However, this dude was pretty insecure in his masculinity, and he would probably rate himself as having only 6 units of masculinity. This is sufficient for him to feel comfortable being the one who penetrates his partner, but by the principle of conservation of masculinity, this would mean that “balanced” sex would involve a partner with 4 units of masculinity.

I don’t intend to kink shame anyone, but frankly I find this bizarre, because it sounds like this guy is genuinely quite disgusted by having sex with another man (and likely not attracted to men either), but feels even more disgusted by the prospect of feeling insufficiently masculine and having sex with a woman. It’s like the gay sex is a punishment for not attaining the impossible ideal of hegemonic masculinity. I asked my friend if it wasn’t more likely that the dude is just gay and has a heckton of internalised homophobia to work through, but he was pretty sure of his assessment. I’m told that the job involves a surprising amount of “I’m not a therapist, but I’m the closest thing you have to one, so let’s talk”.

Only water when the soil is dry at least an inch deep. When you do water, water thoroughly, until water is freely coming from the drainage holes in the bottom. An optional way to water thoroughly is to let the plant pot stand in a tray of water for half an hourish (I use an inch or so of water). This is called “bottom up watering”

Make sure that any pot you use has drainage holes. A common mistake beginners make is to plant directly into decorative pots that have no drainage holes. This is bad because when the soil doesn’t have enough chance to dry out between waterings, it leads to root rot. You can still use a pretty pot if you want, just make sure that you have an inner pot with drainage holes that you can take out of the exterior pot when it’s watering time. (The decorative exterior pots can be useful for causing things to tip over less).

Finally, don’t assume that succulents or cacti will be happy in bright, direct sun. They can still get scorched.