Jul (they/she)

Unethical and hierarchical non-monogamy is risky emotionally, ethical non-hierarchical non-monogamy without envy driven rules is not any more or less risky emotionally and can be very rewarding with truly loving partners as you don’t have to rely on a single person to provide things you need when it’s painful for them to be forced into providing those things since you can’t find another partner to provide those things.

Especially bad for ace or disabled people or women with vaginal issues and men with erectile issue when their partner is left sexless, but they need it to be fulfilled for example, or when one partner needs lots of physical touch but the other has trauma related to it, or a partner who loves to worship breasts, but has a partner with very sensitive nipples, but other than these issues the relationships are great. With ENM those things can be fulfilled by other partners while maintaining an even stronger relationship with the first partner.

The term is outdated, IMHO, anyway, and has been misappropriated by TERFs these days. Outdated because it assumes strict binary genders on both sides. I don’t usually date men, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t sometimes some attraction, but consider myself agender, so neither lesbian, gay, nor straight can possibly apply to me without a starting gender, and I don’t discriminate against trans people and the terms totally exclude other non-binary people who could be my partners. So, polysexual is a good term that I’ve found useful at times, but generally I just don’t bother using any of that terminology. Every decision about my attraction and desire to date someone is specific to that person, not defined by their gender necessarily. So, I use pansexual if forced because it doesn’t limit anything up front. But, I don’t usually have much desire to advertise my sexuality anymore because the terminology is just so imprecise anyway.

It will just be “separate” but still “equal” like domestic partnerships were before. Same with mixed race marriages which will be not far down the line. “Leave it up to the states” or whatever, right? “It was never a problem in the 50s”, right?

So, if they can’t preside over a wedding, they shouldn’t be allowed to preside over any cases that involve LGBTQ+ people since there’s a possibility that they are religiously obligated to imprison or murder such people based on many “sincerely held beliefs” and since they have the power to do those things legally, it sure seems like a perceived conflict of interest. Or something along those lines should be true. So, if any use this to decline to marry, then I hope lawyers will use that to their advantage against that judge in their own cases.

Fascism requires enemies and you have to pick small groups of people to declare as enemies or you’ll end up with too many people fighting back. We trans people are just the latest.

Problem is that the scope of transgendered people is much larger than most people realize due to us having to hide for most of history. There’s a reason that estimates a few decades ago were under a hundredth of a percent, current estimates are around 1%, and if you look just at gen Z who mostly are adults and teens now (not “children who dont know any better”) with much better education and ability to be “out” in their age group communities it’s closer to 5%. If gen Z is 5%, then so is every other generation, even if they don’t know it or don’t feel safe admitting it. Which doesn’t matter as they will be more likely to strongly support their peers. 5% is a large part of the population to turn against.

So as the policies start to affect adults like me struggling to get care because health plans not under the jurisdiction of state insurance commissioners even in progressive states (basically all “employer-funded plans” which most employers now use) and corporate inclusion policies have decided to comply in advance to cut trans care and inclusive policies not just for children/teens, but for everyone, as they know that’s next, we’re ending up with finding care not just taking a few years of waiting lists, but nearly a decade, or being just impossible to get unless you are very wealthy and can afford to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash. I’m still using my old name at work because I’m not safe to change it in my mid-level position. And we actually still have an LGBTQ+ ERG unlike most very large companies. But it only takes one prejudiced person up high to get you blackballed and they’re all feeling empowered right now.

Yeah I will say the hormones are easier here. I had thought the clinics also helped them coordinate surgery, but I don’t really know well, just going off of something I read and it’s possible that it was just one clinic that happened to offer that service, too.

For hormones here the hardest part is finding a therapist and/or psychiatrist to write the letters and in some places, finding a doctor willing to prescribe and monitor and fill out a support letter and all the paperwork to get prior authorization for the off-label-use dosage since you need more than a cis-woman which is often all that’s covered by default and often isn’t covered at all by default if your birth gender marker is M. When my plan changed this year I had to start getting the prior auth every 6 months because I exceed the max covered dosage by 3x.

I was lucky to have a primary care doctor that was experienced, though she moved on now. And I found a list of therapists willing to write the support (gate-keeping) letters with only a single, virtual appointment, though I had to pay cash and needed 2 of them (one at least PhD level and one at least MA level) for the surgery. For me the hormones only required one and could be MA level, though. I was on waiting lists for both therapists and psychiatrists at the time, so that list saved me. There’s a shortage of mental health providers around here, too.

And the letters technically are supposed to require the mental health providers to know you well, but a lot of providers know that’s just gate-keeping. And, some insurance still requires the even older WPATH recommendations that you get one that does and one that doesn’t know you. My insurance is only one version behind, though, using version 7, but some use 6 or even 5 still.

It’s not much better in the US and there isn’t a unified “gender clinic” to coordinate things. And travel for surgery and recovery is expensive, especially when most insurance doesn’t pay for that and things are so spread out in the US, so most have no option or if near a major city are stuck with the one or two overbooked options close enough to them that they can get a ride to.

I had to travel to another major city to even get on a waiting list for my first surgery since in the major city where I live, the one clinic that has a surgeon was totally unresponsive on how long their waiting list was after taking my doctor’s referral.

And I had to pay around $4,000 for a month at an AirBnB plus flights, food, and necessities we couldn’t fit in the now strict 50lb weight limits on luggage for me and a care person. I couldn’t bring a carry-on since I wouldn’t be able to carry it on the way home and you can’t put the heavier liquids in there anyway like soaps, shampoos, hair products, lotions, etc. And paid several thousand out of pocket to cover deductibles and coinsurance despite having the most expensive health plan my company offers which costs about $400 every other week from each paycheck despite the fact I work for said insurance company. And that was only one surgery.

Next surgery is a 1 year wait for a consult and no clue how many years before surgery and another one is at least a 3 year wait for consult and at least 4 year wait for surgery after the consult. I can’t afford to travel again for those. Had to take out a home equity loan for the first one. And I still have to pay for the mental heath visits for the gatekeeping WPATH letters each time both for the consult and again for the surgery since they each expire after a year. I really wish there was someone to help coordinate it all. For example, if I end up with the waiting lists ending too close to each other I’ll have to go back on the beginning of the list assuming the surgeon is still scheduling new surgeries because you can’t get too many too close to each other and they’re totally separate offices.

And traveling internationally is too dangerous right now with my passport being forced to be my birth gender and my genitals not matching for the x-ray, so unless things improve it is likely I’ll be too old to get most of the surgeries by the time I get through the lists. I’m already starting later in life due to lack of care. Plus I need other small surgeries for some unrelated issues which I can’t find providers for in my insurance network taking new patients and can’t afford to schedule too far out, just in case I get to the top of the gender care surgery wait lists.

Yeah, I have an X on my ID so even though it’s technically valid for air travel, I brought my passport instead which has my AGAB and wore really loose fitting clothes. Fortunately I didn’t have to go through the x-ray that would give away that my body parts don’t match my passport.

I wiped all of my devices in case I was detained, not that I have anything to hide, but I don’t want to out any of my friends as trans for them to get targeted.

And I’ve been staying away from public bathrooms despite having a hard time holding my bladder due to some medical issues retaining salt and water. Considering getting a catheter or something for when I’m in public for more than a few hours because dehydrating myself all the time isn’t good for my health.

It’s really scary right now even living in a fairly progressive leaning state. I won’t even think about traveling to my hometown to visit family where it’s more conservative. I’m really hoping on the flight back I’m able to slip through security again. It’s going to be a lot of paperwork to get my birth certificate changed to what isn’t actually my gender since that’s not an option, but more closely matches my body parts.

It’s sad that just existing means you are classified as a terrorist and have to avoid interacting with society to survive.

Stay away from the US if you can if you are trans, intersex, non-binary, or even cis if you just have some facial traits that make you look a little less like your AGAB. It’s only getting worse every day.

It will go the opposite way. The far right justices already have multiple times shown they don’t care about precedent or the intention of laws, only finding strict literal interpretations that fit their ideological views to take away rights.

I’m still friends with many of my exes because I formed good friendships with them either before or during relationships. It’s only the toxic typical straight, monogamous relationship dogma that says we have to stop caring for and start hating people we care about when we’re no longer romantically involved and so romance and friendship need to be separate so a breakup doesn’t mean losing your best friend. Friendship is the bedrock of all of my relationships since I learned that regardless of their or my gender (I’m pansexual, though).