even after being evacuated to seattle im having a hell of a time staying alive. living in my car, having no connections, going to another fuckin BHU, being released still actively suicidal, making connections, getting some material and financial help, sleeping flat and warm for the foreseeable future, having no more money for food, snap being gone, roomie traumatized too

still fuckin suicidal after all of this because i am so damn traumatized. being safe inside, warm, and fed doesnt erase how bad its been or what i fled in utah or how i was abused on the utah bhu and by an activist there. i broke so bad and im still just trying to find what pieces i have left. i feel so bad for this student’s family if they care at all they are probably suicidal themselves. ;( ;( ;(

we need help but its all burning down and we are trying to run ahead of the flames, in the smoke, alone and terrified. so many choose death for much lesser reasons but trauma isnt quantitative or qualitative. it fuckin hurts so much even now. my survivor guilt is murder. my feeling of love, community, protection, and safety all ring hollow because of the trauma. i need more time. i need more time but im not relaxing, im feeling like at any moment i will be back in my car, fearing everyone, and knowing that my mind and heart are still broken, trying to survive first myself and then the WHOLE WORLD

i cant let them win but i need so much help to just keep breathing every day. i cant tell my lovely friends how im really doing because they cant handle it any better than i am. they arent with me here so i cant hug them or be hugged by them or protect them or be protected by them. new friends are all sus because of the trauma. i know, i see, but i cant stop these feelings and put the better ones in the right place yet. i can see but i need time. time to heal.

So now it’s my fault AND I get to starve. FML. If I had known other people would starve too I would never have yeeted my nuts. I would have donated them to a food bank.

With so much mac and cheese.

I am now much safer. Trans railroads and kind folks are real. It’s been hell but now there is some light in my life again. I feel bad for the trans people unable to evacuate.