I cannot believe I did this ! But there I was on the surgery table, about to receive anaesthetics. And all the anxiety that had been building up suddenly became just too much.
I’m not quite sure why I did it yet. All I know is I tore up the consent document and started crying, crying without being able to stop.
The nurses have been very nice with me, they got me a warm blanket and were very gentle and supportive. The surgeon a little less so, I’m not sure he’ll let me come back. He said the next spot they can offer me will be three years from now.
I still think I want to do this ? But not today. Not today. I don’t feel capable of going through with it today. I felt like I was going to DIE on that table.
I think I need a therapist to process this. I don’t understand my emotions at ALL yet.
We have instincts for a reason. I applaud you for trusting yours.
I have no idea what that reason is in this case, of course.
Just passing along the advice that your mind often knows more than your consciousness can express. We are uniquely good at rationalizing our way out of living according to what our needs are (see also: capitalism) and culturally we undervalue trusting our gut instincts when making decisions. Today, your gut instincts asserted themselves. You are wise to listen, explore, and fully understand what you think and feel before you recommit to this – if you do.
It is your body, your mind, and your life. You get to define it – and that means all of you. Mind, body, subconscious, and everything else. And whichever way that ends up in the end, it’ll deserve a celebration that you found your way there.
Let time help.