I cannot believe I did this ! But there I was on the surgery table, about to receive anaesthetics. And all the anxiety that had been building up suddenly became just too much.
I’m not quite sure why I did it yet. All I know is I tore up the consent document and started crying, crying without being able to stop.
The nurses have been very nice with me, they got me a warm blanket and were very gentle and supportive. The surgeon a little less so, I’m not sure he’ll let me come back. He said the next spot they can offer me will be three years from now.
I still think I want to do this ? But not today. Not today. I don’t feel capable of going through with it today. I felt like I was going to DIE on that table.
I think I need a therapist to process this. I don’t understand my emotions at ALL yet.
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It’s okay.
Real talk, one trans person to another, there is no wrong way to be yourself. And feeling afraid of something big and life changing is completely normal. Sane, even.
Anyone who says you need a vaginoplasty to be a woman is just flat out wrong. You are who you are. Kind of an “I think, therefore I am” kinda deal.
Take your time. You got all the time in the world. Talk to a therapist, and if you want to try again, do. If you don’t, then don’t. It doesn’t make you any less of a human being.
That was the right choice, and it must have taken a great deal of courage to stop the surgery when you did. Its good you didn’t go through a surgery you didn’t feel 100% ready for. I’m proud of you for trusting your instincts.
Take your time to think this through. Its much safer to explore these feelings as anxieties, than risk exploring these feelings as regrets. Take care. <3
We have instincts for a reason. I applaud you for trusting yours.
I have no idea what that reason is in this case, of course.
Just passing along the advice that your mind often knows more than your consciousness can express. We are uniquely good at rationalizing our way out of living according to what our needs are (see also: capitalism) and culturally we undervalue trusting our gut instincts when making decisions. Today, your gut instincts asserted themselves. You are wise to listen, explore, and fully understand what you think and feel before you recommit to this – if you do.
It is your body, your mind, and your life. You get to define it – and that means all of you. Mind, body, subconscious, and everything else. And whichever way that ends up in the end, it’ll deserve a celebration that you found your way there.
Let time help.
I’m cishet. I have no possible way of fully appreciating what you’re experiencing.
That being said…
Trusting your gut is entirely valid. It’s not ‘chickening out’ it’s just that, for whatever reason, you were not 100% committed. That’s OK. You just were not ready right then and there.
Don’t worry about the surgeon, they’ll be much happier knowing they didn’t operate on someone who changed their mind (per se) once it was too late.
Be strong, be well.
You just gotta man up /S
It’s a pretty serious procedure and a non-reversible, life-changing one at that. All surgeries have risks, and it’s okay to be scared. You can try to work through it and try again, and you can also weigh the discomfort and anxiety you feel about surgery against the discomfort and anxiety you feel about your anatomy; it’s not like surgery is a requirement or anything.
I’m sorry the surgeon wasn’t as empathetic and the nurses; though that’s usually the case for some reason… The wait time is unfortunately not unprecedented; I don’t think it’s intended as a punishment or anything. Trans care is really underserviced.
But yeah, if you still want to, then def try again. I found it helpful to learn about anaesthesia and the what the anaesthesiists do to take care of you, and take some comfort in how knowledgeable and prepared everyone there is. They’ve got a lot of contingencies and plans for what to do if something goes wrong. Those brief moments of danger are what they train for and always think about.
I’m transfemme and post op. Yeah, lots of big emotions approaching that table, and I’m so sorry that they hit you all then and there.
Take your time and definitely do not rush!!! Therapy is an excellent call, it sounds like you need to really delve into what it is you need. Be absolutely sure you feel comfortable with your surgeon. Be absolutely sure you’re ready. Be absolutely sure you have support for after the surgery as well, because the recovery really sucks.
It’s not all flowers and roses on the other side either. My surgeon was truly excellent and did a great job, but I had a couple weird complications and a bad UTI, and there are some things I don’t like about how things turned out. But there were so many things and health problems I had that came from being pre op too, and it was certainly way worse for me before surgery. At the end, big and complicated feelings. Take good care of yourself and be sure to really get introspective about it all, okay? If it’s right for you, great. If not, also great.
Seems like super invasive surgery isn’t something to take lightly. Good luck on the rest of your journey!
