I cannot believe I did this ! But there I was on the surgery table, about to receive anaesthetics. And all the anxiety that had been building up suddenly became just too much.
I’m not quite sure why I did it yet. All I know is I tore up the consent document and started crying, crying without being able to stop.
The nurses have been very nice with me, they got me a warm blanket and were very gentle and supportive. The surgeon a little less so, I’m not sure he’ll let me come back. He said the next spot they can offer me will be three years from now.
I still think I want to do this ? But not today. Not today. I don’t feel capable of going through with it today. I felt like I was going to DIE on that table.
I think I need a therapist to process this. I don’t understand my emotions at ALL yet.
It’s okay.
Real talk, one trans person to another, there is no wrong way to be yourself. And feeling afraid of something big and life changing is completely normal. Sane, even.
Anyone who says you need a vaginoplasty to be a woman is just flat out wrong. You are who you are. Kind of an “I think, therefore I am” kinda deal.
Take your time. You got all the time in the world. Talk to a therapist, and if you want to try again, do. If you don’t, then don’t. It doesn’t make you any less of a human being.