I cannot believe I did this ! But there I was on the surgery table, about to receive anaesthetics. And all the anxiety that had been building up suddenly became just too much.
I’m not quite sure why I did it yet. All I know is I tore up the consent document and started crying, crying without being able to stop.
The nurses have been very nice with me, they got me a warm blanket and were very gentle and supportive. The surgeon a little less so, I’m not sure he’ll let me come back. He said the next spot they can offer me will be three years from now.
I still think I want to do this ? But not today. Not today. I don’t feel capable of going through with it today. I felt like I was going to DIE on that table.
I think I need a therapist to process this. I don’t understand my emotions at ALL yet.
I’m cishet. I have no possible way of fully appreciating what you’re experiencing.
That being said…
Trusting your gut is entirely valid. It’s not ‘chickening out’ it’s just that, for whatever reason, you were not 100% committed. That’s OK. You just were not ready right then and there.
Don’t worry about the surgeon, they’ll be much happier knowing they didn’t operate on someone who changed their mind (per se) once it was too late.
Be strong, be well.