CW: Sexual mentions (just in case)
Hi. I will admit, we’re pretty young. So, I saw the post about some guy having trouble with his girlfriend, and I thought of our relationship.
My girlfriend always wants to text me, like every 2 seconds, and gets worried if I don’t respond within a minute.
She’s actually very sweet and caring, but she too has trouble paying attention to what I have to say because of her ADHD.
I’m pretty much asexual, I believe, or on the ace spectrum. I probably fit a microlabel (aegosexual, aceflux, etc.) of that, but IDK. I also have trouble saying no, but I’m trying to learn to assert myself.
The thing I feel bad about is that because I have trouble saying no, she probably thinks I’m just a very sexual person. I do enjoy experimenting with sex, but thanks to my low sex drive, not that much.
And it’s more like I just get feelings down there than actually wanting sex.
As much as I love her, though, she’s also pretty… emotional? And because of that, she often blames herself or gets really upset during the times I did say no.
You’d probably be better off hearing from my own partner about this but they don’t have lemmy so I’ll do my best. This really is just something you HAVE to candidly talk about. It can be difficult when you are young and when your relationship is young because emotions are higher but letting yourself be sexually uncomfortable to please them is unhealthy. It’s bad for your relationship and will lead to you feeling uncomfortable with them as you might already be feeling. I’ve been on the receiving end of this and eventually becomes clear that something is off. They can probably tell or will eventually that you aren’t as into it as they are and might blame themself. Having to question whether your partner finds you attractive or wonder if you are just bad at sex can really damage the ego. Talk to them so you don’t have to put youself through sex you don’t want and so they don’t blame themself for you not wanting sex. Communication is everything in a relationship.
Thank you. This genuinely helped :)
To be fair I have been doing this. Please do not hide it. Communication is better. I couldn’t say no, because I was thinking about the impact of my words if I said so. My previous partner had a really low self esteem. And me refusing was often taken as I don’t love her anymore, I don’t desire her… But this is not healthy and will damage you.
Thank you. My therapist has also stated I am in an unhealthy relationship, but I can’t leave her for numerous reasons even though my therapist says I can feel bad, but it doesn’t mean I’m bad
I can speak to this from the opposite end, and I hope my perspective can help a little. When I was younger I used to be the same way - I was overly sexual and I would take a decline personally - as if I wasn’t wanted anymore or wasn’t loved. It was 100% not the case and it took a frank conversation from my S.O. and a bit of growing up to realize sexual intimacy doesn’t eclipse other forms of it, and it is actually disrespectful to who I was purporting to love by suggesting that it did with my reactions to it.
It took communication and a will to change on my part. And I was wrong.
Thank you :)
she often blames herself or gets really upset during the times I did say no.
This sounds really manipulative.
Maybe hmmmm…
