Important to note: I have OCD, and I seem to have this obsession with the idea of me being transphobic. I am a member of the LGBTQ+ community, I have known this for years, and I try my best to support everyone. I have a lot of trans friends, I love them a lot, and treat them and see them as I would anyone else.
So, I feel like I’m transphobic. Is there any evidence of this? No. I’ve been a vocal supporter about LGBTQ+ rights for years, including trans rights, but I’ve recently become increasingly anxious at the thought of me being transphobic.
This likely stems from my questioning of my own gender, often times I feel that I am not quite male, maybe that I’m nonbinary or genderfluid. I mentioned this to my nonbinary friend, and they said “you don’t seem nonbinary”. This sent me spiraling, questioning my own gender and identity, and questioning if I was transphobic for believing that I was nonbinary (or possibly genderfluid, as at times I feel very comfortable being male, but at others I feel a lot more feminine).
At some point, I have to accept the fact that this is delusion, but I still really feel like I need guidance/assurance. I do not really know what to do about this.
(ANOTHER WORRY I HAVE is acting so paranoid and making it seem like I think trans people are going to cancel me and ruin my life if I say anything wrong, like a lot of transphobic people claim and act like. This is NOT AT ALL my intention, but I know I probably come off that way.)
What a terrible thing for a friend to say, and a trans friend most of all. Anyone can be caught up in a gender that’s not suitable for them and there’s no seeming about it
I have a few notes,
What does a non binary person look like exactly, i really would’t know and i identify as non binary in most contexts.
In most contexts because there is genderfluid, i realised i had no use for gender online first, so i just discarded it, then i extended that logic to the rest of my life where it made no sense to express one gender. But i am also married and a parent, in that role specifically i do have a more binary gender.
It is also incredibly freeing to stop rejecting myself from doing/enjoying things simply because society says my biological sex shouldn’t.
Lastly, did you know that historically neurodivergent people have been strong allies with the lgbtq+ community? Neurodivergent means being wired in a less typical way, and naturally that can also affect your gender experience. Autists (often) question arbitrary social norms, OCD is a form of neurodivergence.
Ok I think I remember hearing about this subtype of OCD. I’ve heard that there is a subgroup of OCD sufferers that are constantly paranoid about being something taboo. And repeatedly check themselves to see if they meet the criteria for that taboo group of people. I’ve heard of other examples, but I know enough about OCD not to mention them to you.
It must really suck to constantly worry that you’re transphobic. But I will say that logically speaking, you are worried about being transphobic and transphobes tend not to burden themselves with such thoughts.
That’s actually a bit comforting, thanks. :)
My entire family is some flavour of neurodivergent or another. It sucks, but you aren’t alone. Just remember that trying to be a good person is more than most people do.
Button-question?
Imagine if a cis-woman said to a cis-woman that she doesn’t seem like a woman, wouldn’t that be rude or sexist?
Somewhat unrelated question, what would YOU with your knowledge and personality do in the place of known transphobes like Rowling?
I’m not quite understanding this comment.
Uhh, if I were Rowling, I would probably try to continue my career as author or retire because I have enough money.
Button-question: Would you press a button to be nonbinary to everyone?
No-true-nonbinary: I was comparing the comment from your friend to a comment cis and binary people wouldn’t say to each other, because they established informally that gender is a personal thing. I wanted to say indirectly that your nonbinary friend was rude.
I asked the in-place-of-transphobes question, because I assumed that by analogy it would be easier to explore why the threat of exerting transphobic behaviour or being labeled as a transphobic person is so daunting to you.
Thank you. Press the button, I’m not sure. I have been telling myself to stop thinking about being nonbinary since my friend said it, so it is probably not that I am nonbinary in the first place.
I’m not very scared of being labelled as transphobic, weirdly, I just have this gut feeling that I am, and I am more scared of actually being transphobic than being seen so.
About 6 years ago, I first considered putting they/them as my pronouns on twitch, but was afraid it was would be seen as offensive to NBs. About 4 years ago, I came out to my brother that I suspected I was trans and his immediate reaction was skepticism because I hadn’t shown any signs (I was busy trying to hide them from myself). I think its normal to be worried about not being trans enough and worry that using such labels will somehow seem transphobic. But I don’t think such fears are actually based on real concerns. If you in any way feel you don’t identify entirely with one binary gender, then you get to use the NB label. Could be fluid, bigender, agender, librafem, libramasc, etc.
Hey. As someone who spent a very long portion of their life supporting trans and nonbinary people, thinking I wasn’t one of them, later realizing I probably was, then eventually coming out, I can relate to this a lot.
I think that feeling can often stem from feeling like other people are judging you based on how you identify, will feel insulted/brought down if you try to identify with a category they also identify as, or because you feel like you’re not “really” trans/nonbinary/etc enough to qualify.
That last one is big, because just like you:
at times I feel very comfortable being male, but at others I feel a lot more feminine)
I experience the exact same thing every day. Maybe it’s just how it is to be nonbinary, maybe I’m genderfluid, but at the end of the day, I still feel more comfortable not being solely defined as a man, so any alternative is better than that, and that is what matters.
Other trans people are not judging you for how you identify. They themselves have almost certainly been oppressed, criticized, and questioned for their own identity. They know how it feels, and they don’t want to push that onto someone else. Would you, with the experience you now have, go to someone else who confided in you that they think they’re nonbinary and go “you don’t seem nonbinary”?
I assume not, because you’ve learned from personal experience that it isn’t necessarily a helpful statement, so you’re not gonna perpetuate that. Sure, you could always say something benign that ends up causing someone to spiral like you did, but it’s not gonna be on purpose, and there’s not going to be an underlying “I hate this person for being trans” thought behind it, because that’s not what you meant.
You support trans and queer rights more broadly, the only crime you’ve committed is the innate human desire and experience of self-discovery and self-expression, and any questioning you have over your gender is something countless other people experience every single day, and that doesn’t make them any less trans/nonbinary in your eyes, now does it?
You are probably afraid of coming off as transphobic because you don’t want to perpetuate the same feelings you have experienced, and are overcompensating mentally by just worrying about it too much. I do the same thing, and at a certain point, you just have to recognize that nobody is hearing your thoughts, nobody understands your mental state better than you, and you are who you say you are. That is something nobody is going to take from you, and that is not something you’re gonna take from anyone else just by existing.
Live your life :) 💛🤍💜🖤
Thank you, this is a very kind comment, and it made me smile :)
This logic makes no sense, but I feel like I’m not allowed to be as trans/nonbinary because my nonbinary friend told me I am not. I guess I see them as more of an authority on the matter since they’re actually nonbinary? I do not know. This is not something I believe for anyone else, just myself (I would personally never tell someone that they are not nonbinary because that’s not something I can tell or decide.)
I guess I see them as more of an authority on the matter since they’re actually nonbinary?
And that’s the beautiful part: nobody can tell you who you are but yourself. If you assign the label of nonbinary to yourself, then you are. What other people say doesn’t change that, and you’re not harming anyone by being you :)
Yes yes yes preach it!!
Don’t forget OP, your friends can be wrong (even if they mean well) and NO one can tell you who you are or what your gender is except for yourself. How you feel inside is valid. If you don’t quite know for sure how you feel yet, that’s also valid. And who knows, they’ll probably come around to the idea of you being nonbinary once you grow more confident in your gender and radiate it into the world in an undeniable fashion 💜💛🤍🖤🩵🤍🩷
Lifelong LGBTQ+ ally here. But not on that spectrum. I’m on another spectrum though. It starts with A and ends with utism. Aren’t I funny? Anyway. Some people like to argue. You say the wrong thing and they will want to cancel you despite your best intentions. It happens. (This is why I mentioned being autistic. We’re sometimes misunderstood.) The thing to remember is, stay true to your ethos and your virtues and don’t let a rude person ruin your day or influence how you behave. Because most LGBTQ+ want to be seen and seen as equals and treated with respect everyone is due. Like anyone else.
I’ve never thought I might be anything-phobic but I’ve been accused of being it many times. I don’t let it change me. I do check myself, it’s always possible I’m wrong, but if I’m not, I don’t let it break my stride.
No one has actually accused me of being transphobic, this is all just my own fear.
